Thursday, December 23, 2010

sleeping in a hotel room is hard
sleeping in a hotel room i used to live in is even more difficult
sure the walls they are bare and there are no remnants left
except vague memories of never being there
or stumbling into the creaky bed too drunk to take off my socks
socks are never worn to sleep  they hold my feet too tightly
and the wicker headboard from a pier one imports makes banging noises
like someone fucks in this bed every night
but unlike a hotel room no person has ever fucked in this bed
and the rosary beads hanging above an atheists head ramble and shake
reminding me that i feel bad my mom doesnt know i do not want them there

Friday, December 17, 2010

i had a life changing incident happen to me that did not change my life. i almost got hit by a bus in chinatown once.  a tourist bus. they always end up killing people dont they? and i, i dont even know how someone can control one of those monsters.  someone pushed me out of the way. the mystery person i did not look at because well i was so tired from my full time job. and hungry and under payed.  i did not praise the day. i did not change my ways of living.  i just kept on going. like the tourist bus.

Friday, December 3, 2010

my painting has been staring at me all day
giving me guilt trips
asking why i havent worked on her
and i am just staring back
wondering what i could do
to make things better

Monday, November 29, 2010

has anyone ever told you that you look so handsome
when you are resisting my advances
you think its easier when we dont lock together
i get you hate the mess of wires that i have made
but i also get that you still want it there
you  look at it when you are alone
when you are not working and no one else is with you
you want to feel me there being awkward

Friday, November 26, 2010

i would like someone to drop me into an icy bath or hot tub or pool or lake for approximately two seconds. just to wake me up. im not the only one that needs to wake up though. why is everyone asleep?
i am climbing
the most steep
set of stairs
in the world
and these stairs
they lead nowhere
and i keep leaving
things behind
with every step
except
it doesn't get harder as
i get higher
it just gets easier
and i keep looking back
and the people
they are getting tiny and
they are waving
waving for me to come back
down
but i am ignoring them
and i can not even
remember who they are
or how i got to nowhere
but i am here now

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I rediscovered my love for art today i wanted to crawl into dark crevices so i could be alone with it. Like loving art and doing it was some sort of deviant act. Something to be ashamed of.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

when it comes to hanging out with people

i'd rather be lonely
i'd rather be deathly lonely
then argue with my friends
about being a recluse
or the things i say that have now
become jokes in a unit
that i am currently locked out of
and i dont even care
about this petty stuff
i will just be doing my own irrelevant work
until someone comes to their senses
or until we all land on the same chapter
of the same book
its so much easier to tell other people how to live their lives. instead of doing what you really want with yours.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

hold the doors please!

there are so many regular sentences in great books.
and these regular sentences lead to the exciting ones.
i mean eventually.
nothing like elevators
the worst thoughts in the world occur while waiting for an elevator
they get even worse when you are in the elevator. and you fit snugly
next to other soft people. like plush toys on a shelf
you squeeze together and awkwardly smile
and pretend you do not want to kill the person who pushed the 2nd floor button
instead of walking up the stairs
and then the doors open and sometimes they punch the side of a body
because people take too long to leave their little hells
after that there is a great possibility that something exciting might happen

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"you keep your things in a place meant to hide"

mr smith stabbed himself in the chest
to see if there was anything in there
mr smith found out that there was something in there
the hole in his chest before the knife was just a lie
a brain lie
the heart in his chest was real
and everyone knew it
he knew it too
but only right after the knife told him it was there

Saturday, November 20, 2010

viva la revolution

diego rivera said that a whole bunch
while spewing out lines from the communist manifesto
and the museum of modern art hangs his painting
by the bathroom
where people nervous about being in a museum take nervous shits
and then they look at rothko saying "i could do that"
but they didn't do that


none of this is true. some of this might be true

Thursday, November 18, 2010

gulianni cleaned the streets

trains outside my window go into penn station like little toy trucks that go bam when you hit em at the wall.  no matter what they sound like screeching explosions and monsters that only exist when you are five years old and completely rational about these sorts of things.

129 IQ and fuck

terribly scared that someone can never know enough. my library continues to grow and i continue to shrink.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

i need a winter boyfriend. like i need a winter coat. i need something to keep me warm. i need someone to protect me against the weather. i need something so i wont get snowed or rained on.  i need someone to toss over a chair as soon as the warm weather hits.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

 in real life no one is watching everything you do and no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them thinking about you.

free write

alison and i went to storm king yesterday. at this place we walked around a bunch and looked at gigantic sculptures.  alison saw satan in almost every single one.  we took pictures behind groups of trees. and sat in front of a mirror fence for a little while.  trying to get everything just right. because it wasn't just the experience of this sculpture park we had to take in. it was the future. remembering it months and years from now was important. is important. upside down crosses are everywhere now.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

beautiful friendships

freewrite

emily siegenthaler
is an interesting person. i wish i could talk to people like that everyday. i feel like i hangout with my out of state friends more then the ones that live in new york city or new york state or any surrounding lands. and by hangout i mean talk to. but really good talks that feel like really good hangouts where i can be myself and everyone can just act like they are losing their minds if they are and act like a calm person who isnt if they are feeling like that. and no one gets judged for any sort of thing. like saying MAYBE I SHOULD BE ON MOOD STABILIZERS AGAIN ORRRRRRRRRRRR NO I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE CLUB.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

i was social the other night. i hung out with my friend alexandra while she painted her walls chalkboard grey so she could write things like "how to burn a dvd" on her wall so she could memorize them in french. we compared favorite books overlapping at david foster wallace , and ginnsberg.  i asked alexandra if she had ever seen james franco at columbia and  she said "yeah its really bad ive spilled coffee on him, twice" we smoked too many ciggs and now my throats on fire and my voice feels like how tom waits sounds.  i think its okay to spill coffee on celebrities. it happens to  everyone

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

judgement day

im not a clown. but watch my fantastic outfits.
watch as a fumble around in shoes i cant walk in.
watch me make a fool of myself. 
watch me as i put my ridiculous makeup on.
encourage it for your entertainment.
watch the spectators laugh.
watch my titanium white hands smear all your ikea furniture
dont let me sit down
who knows what place i came from and the bed bugs i may bring
watch me
watch me
watch me

Sunday, November 7, 2010

free write

a friend said to me i think its a good idea. you have your own voice.  maybe i do but i dont think i have found it yet. when i look under some rubble rubbish rummage. will this voice be there. when i jump into a dumpster after eating some malle will it be there? when i shop lift and admit everything with no shame with my voice box screams will it scream and not stop until i can barely keep my mouth shut and i feel like im cocaine because my jaw hurts and i cant eat solid foods without pain. or has time skipped and im sixty now and thats why i can only scream and eat creamed canned and processed vegetables.

Friday, November 5, 2010

replace mother with any person


are you a [mother] ?
yes
so then you must understand
are you a [mother] ?
no
so then you can only imagine

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

conversations with boys

in the middle of conversations with boys i like to say things to make them feel uncomfortable. in the middle of talking about blogs and writing i like to throw in random "i think im in love with you" sweeping proclamations of my non existent feelings.
yes that is what i like to do.  sometimes it backfires and they do not freak out at all. they welcome the love with wide open arms. then im fucked. not literally. or literally.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

freewrite

my room is never completely dark. no no never. it seems that every skyscraper i can see has every single light on at all times.  so here i am the lonliest girl in manhattan and i can not even think of brooding in the dark. no one will visit. no no one and partially because i dont have a phone and partially because 31st and ninth is  the same as going to staten island to some people. so i reserve the right in this exact moment to say fuck the lower east side and fuck bushwick, and williamsburg and anywhere else i have traveled for people. and fuck fratboy mentallity. its so much fun to just say fuck to everything. tomorrow i go to a reading middle eastern writers. today i went to a lecture nayland blake.  he was funny. he had hilarious remarks to stupid questions like "who influences you" and stupid questions are happening 95%  of the time. he makes funny costumes. and using certain iconography that stems from his childhood, this proves some of my previous theories correct. correct for one day at the least. i just said "lets be over educated and unemployed" to ted powers.  my dogs would hangout with me right now.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

"im not afraid"

dear eminem,

i hope this letter finds you well.  despite any shit i will get from this, there are a few things i have to say.  i dont think you are that bad. in that drake remix with lil wayne, that line about saving face and hannibal lecter? i think that line is fantastic.  and that new song where you apologize about previous shitty albums well i think that that was very big of you to admit.  lets face it they were shitty albums.  i am going to be honest with you though, i am still not going to buy your cd.  but i may download a song illegally or if i am in a generous mood buy a song on itunes. anyway i just had to let this out. its been on my mind for weeks and i figured you should know how i feel about everything.

-alfie

millgram, stanley

push the button. i knew you would. yes. yes i can hear the screaming too.  but i am wearing this suit and like i said push the button again.  i knew you would. you are worried about being held morally accountable? you are not responsible for your actions. no one is held morally accountable here. just ignore the screams. and push the button, again.

bleach

every cleaning lady i see is my mother. i fight the urge to hug them and kiss them and to tell them to stop cleaning up after the wasted youth. i want to scream a little. nurse shoes. the kind from wallmart. sterile blue but not your apron. mom stop it. stop cleaning. okay i understand you've got no choice.  i hear the squeaky cart come down the floors you shine. and the smell of bleach surrounds me, picks me up, makes me dizzy and i cant even imagine what it does to you.

people pleaser

it became clear to me as a child that humans should be like trees in a forest
they usually have about five feet of distance between them
giving each other room to grow. to stand tall and to be strong on their own

understand people?
thought i did?
my ego told me that i could read a person in five minutes
i could tell what kind of personality they had and if i wanted them in my life
my ego also told me that this was not an act of judgment
just a sense that i had about the human condition
i have thought about this long and hard
becoming a misanthrope for the most part
i cringe when i hear the word relationship
those are for the feeble minded, unstable, co dependent, people in the world
like a gluttonous slob at an all you can eat buffet i've had my fill of these types
i ask kenny why he hasn't come over
"because i am depressed and suicidal"  he says
"you can kill yourself in my bathtub" 

i dont have a bathtub
i have considered i have the traits of an anti social personality disorder
i do not care. i am not even a psychiatrist after all
"you need to stop playing tricks on people" says susan my therapist
"did you know only 2% of sociopaths have homicidal tendencies that they act out on?"
this could be a trick. susan might think so

countree house

mom you hid the aspirin again. a big economy sized aspirin. really? i mean REALLY?  like you are the only one who feels pain. and mom i do not deny you are in pain. i am sure it is something that i can not imagine. i see your swollen feet in the middle of the night.  and i never want to see them BUT i always wake up. like when i was a child and would watch you and dad sleep to make sure you were still breathing. i am not denying the way you feel but i have a headache from all the drinking i have been doing to prevent my panic attacks and avoid my withdrawals so just give me three pills and lets avoid the conversation.

wyckoff

i watched as someone i knew overdosed one morning
i had just taken a muscle relaxer so
so everything
was slow
 sloooow
and i watched as
she couldn't move her small hands
i watched and i thought "how is she going to paint"
i thought how soft could this pillow possibly get?would i choke on the pillow? nono i wouldn't this pillow was too good to me.i lifted my heavy head with my handsi went to the hospital after the ambulance left and i sat by the bed


Friday, October 29, 2010

love your own generation

all the revolutionaries
died of old age
punching figures
with their fat fingers
and you still wish you were born in the 1960's

depakote

i am not capable of physical violence against people. just against boxes. but only boxes made of cardboard. and they deserve it, ruining things with their dull brown color. being too weak for storing important things and sometimes too strong to break. i hate that about people. except i am talking about boxes. but really i do not want to shatter anyone to pieces. i do imagine it though.

cognitive decline

"ive been losing things"
so where is your clay?
and your sketchbook?
and your klonapin?
"i have no idea"
"i usually have a friend there. someone who points out all the things that are missing."

bb

i first knew one of my boyfriends wouldn't be in my life forever when i told him i might be pregnant and he quickly let go of my hand. not just let go but he threw it in the air. this juvenile relationship fucked me up forever. since then i have made small attempts to reach out and tell people that i care. before falling off the edge and during moments of clarity. these attempts were poor. i wasn't scared of most things except what i perceived to be the most dangerous thing. the human condition. the thing that everyone seemed to possess and that i wanted to lose somewhere at a shopping mall. unfortunately it has found me now. and i care. i care about the friendships that i kicked away because i was hurt by them. or the sound of amtrak trains going into penn station and only being able to think to myself "damn that gets annoying" instead of once in a while saying it out loud. contrary to this i wont get a roommate. why am i telling you all of this? because now im painfully lonely and because there are stories i have not told you. i should save them if i go. im having some doubts. i dont know why. traveling is supposed to put things into perspective right?  something internal and weird always happens when i travel.  i come back to new york dreading the first step off the airplane.
there is wax all over the place. my painting is almost all wax. i melted it in a crock pot.  i have been secretly smoking in my bathroom. i am in high school

the new yorker turned off its lights im going to pretend you did that.

blue circles sometimes mint green circles

 it didnt matter how long it took to walk a block. but who gives a shit?  ms pacman stopped eating those little dots.  gameover.   but hey some people like making their lives harder.  like wearing stillettos to english class or riding a bike in midtown.

the dead are alive

there are so many exciting people in my little world. and most of them i don't ever have to meet. some of them are dead or married to mandy moore and write amazing poetry.  some of them close friends of mine whose talent and strength surprise me everyday.  some are a few steps away on my over populated bookshelf or in my musical devices. some i take with me everywhere i go. in my over sized bag. perfect for picking up random pieces of tile in manhattan or shoplifting.

god is in the small things

thought about finding religion somewhere. for a few minutes.  gave up. didn't even try because i figured i couldn't find it anymore.  like a forgotten necklace i lost years ago.  i don't wear jewelry. i havent worn jewelry since i lost my gold necklace with the cross on it and since i lost my faith in all things above me. everything seems to be working so i don't need a miracle.  it should be saved for someone who really needs that one in a million.  maybe the sixty year old woman playing the lottery.  the one eating canned beets, watching television on one of those lazy boygirl sofa things

i dumped 99% of my friends in two thousand and ten

cottage cheese always tastes kind of rotten.
 is it though? does its life process make it so?
i know this before i eat cottage cheese.
i know it each time. it tasted good once.
so i am trying to relive life.
it will never be the same
will it?

first thing is a first thing

i decided to compartmentalize. this is for writing. feel free to tell me its bad or good or whatever. don't correct my grammar. but i will try to spell correctly.